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2 years ago ::
13 Jan 11 05:26 PM
#41
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
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Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.??For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
14 Jan 11 04:41 PM
#42
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Date Joined:
Aug 15, 2010
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Lol, Malc. Now that's one devoted housewife. Even though she is old, tired and forgetful she still remembered that he would like to be buried with his favourite golf club. Hole in one me thinks!! 
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2 years ago ::
22 Jan 11 02:30 PM
#43
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local:
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going, mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic):
'The sheep's a ****ing liar!!!'
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http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
04 Feb 11 03:59 PM
#44
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Testing Windscreens.
This is priceless
Only in America?
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
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"Defrost chicken" First
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http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
04 Feb 11 04:15 PM
#45
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Giggles, n1 Malc, :)
"Being second is to be the first of the one's who lose"
Ayrton Senna da Silva RIP
"When a man has you by the throat he is not there to congratulate you"
Ayrton Senna talking about Nigel Mansell at Spa 1987
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2 years ago ::
08 Feb 11 12:27 PM
#46
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Japanese Hotel Service . . .
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan .. . .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
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With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
11 Feb 11 02:48 PM
#47
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oops
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A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me from somewhere?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Suddenly his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
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She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
14 Feb 11 03:04 PM
#48
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Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pi**ed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in London .
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http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
15 Feb 11 11:16 AM
#49
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Pets and Vets
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat" agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next she called the vet, although it was late. The vet answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
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2 years ago ::
09 Mar 11 11:27 AM
#50
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Date Joined:
Aug 15, 2010
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This isn't a joke or anything but I wasn't sure where to post this. I just wanted to thank Dub for being part of one of the funniest chat boxes I've seen in a game.
If you imagine 2 drunk irishmen going up the Rathmine road or is that down. Dub was trying to get his buddy Orbison (Roy to his friends) to join the 888 forum. Now this chat went on for at least 20 mins. I have never laughed so much in a game. I could not explain it here but it was classic Laurel and Hardy in a chat box. Well done lads.
Does anyone have any funny chat box tales to tell?
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